One thing which keeps us motivated to move forward in life is our best relationships whether it is about love, customer, or any other sort of relationships. Actions as per your words, effective communications to be patient while taking any decisions and by slow and steady wins the race is the first and foremost part of relationships.
However, I will explain in details how you can build trust in your relationships and rebuild relationships from scratch step by step:
1. Be known to others.
When do the seeds of suspicion arise? When you start to think, what happens? Why are you doing that? I’ve never done that before. That’s so unlike him. He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe, and is late home from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable.
Do you get the picture? Any movement that deviates from predictable behavior and becomes suspicious and confidence can deteriorate. Focus on acting predictably if you need to build trust. Be consistent in what you do. This does not mean that you should be boring. If there’s a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every now and then, for crying out loud, be spontaneous and fun-loving. But be spontaneous consistently! Be true to who you have always been and be this consistent, whoever you are!
2. Inform your partner when he becomes “unpredictable.”
Nobody goes the same throughout life. We all take turns and change. Frankly, sometimes we have no idea what is happening and where we are going. Those moments can be very intense and we do silly things or make totally silly decisions.
Life can get very complicated and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat). The growth of an individual, marriage, or family is often accompanied by a bit of chaos. Welcome these changes, because there is a part of you that is looking for something better / different / richer / deeper, but for God’s sake, let your partner know what you are experiencing.
Say, “I really don’t know what’s going on inside of me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. Have a little patience with me while I sort this out. I might do some silly things, but my intention is not to hurt you or scare you. Accept some of my doubts and wanderings and please stay there for me. I may have to show you some of this from time to time! ”
3. Make sure your words match the message.
Say what you say and say what you mean. When your partner hears something in your words, but your tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions really say something else, you open the relationship up to some crazy days.
What message should you believe? This can waste an enormous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are telling her.
Here is a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes up to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress that she doesn’t particularly like and her hair is slicked back in a way that puzzles him.)
In order not to spoil the evening, you enthusiastically say, “You look great.” You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows that you really don’t mean it. But leave it at that. This may not sound like a big deal, we’ve all done something similar, but if trust is shaky, to begin with, it is even more so now.
Here’s how to put the words together with the non-verbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that. I love you so much and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look at her in her eyes and put your hands around her waist.) She is not so concerned with how she looks but expresses a need for affirmation. You know the night is going to go well. You respond to the real message.
You can take another step if you want. At some point, you could bring up her need for affirmation and talk about it. Ask her if there is anything she can say or do to satisfy her need. Confidence is the awareness of the intention behind the obvious message and answers that!
4. Always think that another person is competent.
I hear this phrase very often: “But I don’t want to hurt you.” Here are a couple of things at stake. First, you may not have the ability to confront the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. She believes that telling the truth is destructive or involves some kind of drama. It is also not true. The truth is never destructive and can be transmitted with love. (That said, what we believe to be the truth may be a distorted perception that fits our personal needs.)
Or you can see the other person as a coward; someone who believes they cannot handle a rigorous personal confrontation. You don’t trust the other person to have the inner strength, stamina, or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. The other person realizes this mistrust and does what she does (feigns ineptitude and incompetence) to avoid personal confrontation as well.
Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and in some way, underneath the games, has the inner strength and the ability to handle anything. Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to invade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmm, this is so cool! I CAN get involved with her and be really intimate!”
5. Be very careful to keep secrets.
If you know there is an elephant in the room and you don’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship. It takes energy to walk around it. She may not see the elephant, but she knows that she is bending her neck to look around her. She will be curious, slightly disturbed, have feelings but will not have the words to understand them, might wonder if something is wrong with her, or struggle to trust her intuition (your intuition of hers KNOWS that an elephant is there). And, when we cannot trust the messages that come from within us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person.
Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust. The relationship is doomed never to experience shaking intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so harmful. She is not so concerned with him having sex with someone else as betrayal, lack of trust, secrets, and deception that are crazy and energy depleting.
Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit down with your partner and tell him the 23 secrets of your past illicit behaviors. If you have solved them, that is, you have forgiven yourself, you understand those behaviors, you learned from them, and you were able to use them to make the internal changes necessary for your personal development, you do not qualify as an elephant.
Hopefully, in the course of increasing intimacy in their relationship, he may wish to share some of those events as he reveals to his partner where he was and where he is now. He does it without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up space – that is, it is still emotionally charged and prevents you from revealing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy – you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.
6. Let YOUR needs be known – out loud.
Be a little, no, be a lot, self-centered. (Be selfish, but not selfish!) This is a problem that I run into almost every day. You are regressing (perhaps attached to work, someone else, etc.).
She feels trust and intimacy eroding, she is scared and wants to “get it back”. Then she begins a total effort to “work on the marriage.” She invites him to do it too. She may reluctantly agree. She speeds through trying to “be nice” and meet all the needs that he said she had.
She’s going to “fill the candy tank” with her. It does not work. Her eyes are on him. He feels “suffocated” or maybe even resentful: “Why is he doing this NOW?” He is hopeful, but eventually, that turns to resentment. His underlying motive, if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine, it just doesn’t work. It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything.
After all, how do you get mad at someone who is so “kind and caring”? Confidence disintegrates under a cloak of silent subtleties. She starts with her eyes focused on YOU. What do you need? Explore his personal needs system. Dig below the surface. And then he says, “I need … x, y, and z. I would like to talk to you about them. I would like us to find a way to meet my needs. Are you open to that?” He has the power to say yes or no. Or he may say, “What about my needs?” Your reply: “I am very interested in hearing what is important to you, without a doubt.”
Have you ever been around someone who clearly expressed what he needed/wanted? Did you not respect that person? Because you knew where he was and therefore what his position was, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship?
7. Say who YOU are – out loud.
It is very sad to see that those in emotional relationships refrain from letting the other person know who they really are. You build trust in a relationship by entrusting your SELF to the other person. This sounds easy, but most find it difficult to achieve.
Most of us have a hard time declaring ourselves. For one thing, if you’re like most of us, you haven’t given much thought to what YOU truly do to you. Don’t you feel like you are gliding through life on autopilot, focusing on tasks, goals, achievements, problems, and external realities? Don’t you tend to focus on those things or on that person? Are you worried about what she is thinking, how she is responding to you if she likes you if he will be a hindrance, and where he will fit in your life?
Your conversations can be pleasant but quite superficial and frankly boring and stupid. You talk about things/relationships/events that exist. You are reluctant to share your thoughts, values, and impressions or take a position. This does not destroy trust. But don’t believe it either. And if you take a stand, it can serve to protect or entrench you while you react against someone. This often creates barriers to trust.
Take time to reflect on your standards. What are your standards for a relationship? What standards do you have for yourself? How do you order your life? What are the main values of your life? What are some issues you live by? What are you known for? And then … start letting the important people in your life know. They will respect you. They will know you more deeply. They will appreciate the opportunity to meet you. They will see you as a person of character. They will trust you. They can count on you. They know exactly what is behind and within you.
8. Learn to say NO!
Sometimes you need to say NO! Saying NO is often crucial! Saying NO sets limits around you that protect you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul. You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU. You refuse to allow the destructive behaviors of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life.
To do this, inform the other person of what they are doing. You request that they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand that they stop. If they don’t stop you, walk away without making a sarcastic comment, rolling your eyes, or making a comment.
For some, this seems harsh, but saying is NOT RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear someone will hurt you and you think you have no choice but to endure that pain, fear will prevail.
How can you trust when you are afraid? Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that they will not live in fear. This usually triggers a respectful response from the other person. After all, if you can protect yourself and reject subjugation to what is destructive, won’t the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who could protect them from harm as well?
9. Neutral load.
When your partner expresses something with force, behave neutrally. Most of us fear strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. I usually hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counterattacking, closing in, or walking away.
Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. Instead of reacting and having your feelings flow all over the place or shut down, practice neutral charging. Communicate calmly, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body.
Do not speak with a burden to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you have to say, tell the truth, and do it directly and calmly. You can do this once you have mastered your fears. It will dramatically change the flow of the relationship. You will be able to point out something important, without exaggerating it. You will be in control of yourself.
Not only does this feel great, but your partner is confident that you won’t fly away or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. Do people really not trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the well-being of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact that he can constantly rely on you to operate from his “quiet center”, stay engaged, not back down, and speak the truth with conviction and calm.
10. Dig in the dirt.
Emotional relationships, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, confusion, change, stretching, and growth. They become the grind from which your life is molded and shaped.
Be brave when faced with confusion, discomfort, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move into the terrifying unknown. Delve into the dirtiness of your relationship and discover the treasures.
Do you really TRUST this can happen? The purpose of your relationship is not to make you happy. Do you realize this? Happiness can be one result, but the other is given to get you where you really want to be. Obstacles, trials, and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Accept the difficulties. Trust that in this hug you will find more of your true self.
Trust that you have the resources and the ability to deal with what you and your partner face. Once you can believe and trust these fundamental purposes, trusting your partner will be that much easier.